1. When you wake up.
"Ugh, I feel so fat today!" is a shitty way to start the day, and you don't need that garbage talk in your brain or your life, so kindly knock it off and start your day with a "Holy fuck, I am the hottest and also, is Zac Efron single?! Because someone should tell him he can't get this." (JK, Efron. JK forever.)
2. Before you eat.
Aka "Ugh, I was so bad earlier today, I better skip dessert!" News flash: Skipping dessert doesn't mean you're being "good" or "better." It just means you skipped dessert. How about checking in with your body to see if you really want dessert, and if you do, have it? And if you don't, don't? One dessert isn't going to fuck you for life; on your death bed, you're not gonna be all, "Shouldn't ... have ... had ... that ... flourless ... chocolate ... tart ... *death rattle* *last gasp*" ... And scene.
3. Before you try on clothes.
Dude, your body is awesome and perfect and you don't need to dread looking at it in a bikini because GIRL, YOU FINE. Also, when you're all, "Ugh I need to lose 10 pounds before I can rock that Borat bathing suit to the beach," you take away your own power. And you don't need to do that, because plenty of media and advertising are already trying to do that. They want you to think you need to lose 10 pounds and shave yourself bare and magically become tan without getting skin cancer and a million other dumb things. But you're smarter than that and know that you don't need any of that shit to look and feel amazing.
4. Before you work out.
Before you work out, you should be all, "DAMN, I AM A CHAMPION FOR TAKING CARE OF MY BODY," and not all, "DAMN, I ATE HALF A CHEESE DANISH AND I AM A HEIFER SO I BETTER RUN FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT." That's not motivation, that's self-hate, and it's powerful and ugly. Exercise because you want to live forever, but don't exercise because you're afraid of wearing a larger size.
5. Before you go to the doctor's.
No more waiting to go to the doctor's because you're not at your ideal weight. Your doctor isn't going to shame you and if they do, you need a new doctor. There's no need to apologize for your weight or pretend you're going on a diet the second you see the number on the doctor's scale. They're here to help, not judge you. Now go get that weird mole checked out!
6. When you're out with your friends.
One of the worst things women can do together is obsess about their weight. It distracts us from real goals — aka girls running the world! Ever heard of it? Take it away, Bey! — and reduces us to pathetic stereotypes of girls counting calories and laughing over sad desk salads. If you feel great about your body because you lost five pounds, that's fantastic. But I hope you feel great about your body when you gain 10 pounds too. Because it's your body and it's fully lovable at any and every size and that's the kinda stuff women should be saying out loud. Right before they walk on stage to accept the Nobel Peace Prize. (While their date Zac Efron applauds wildly in the audience, wiping tears of pride from his adoring eyes.)
7. On social media.
Asking for people to validate your weight on Facebook is maybe the saddest thing on earth. It MIGHT be worse than just using Twitter to post the contents of your lunch. Yeah, it's that bad.
8. Around dudes.
No guy wants to be asked if your ass looks fat in that. It is literally the last thing on a list of things guys want to be asked, right after, "Do you want to try a SkinnyGirl Margarita?" and "Can you clean the toilet? My friends are coming over in 10 minutes!" Trust me, this dude is just so stoked he found a woman that lets him stick it in, he's thinking, "Yeah your ass looks fat and I LOVE IT."
9. Before you go to bed.
It's time to banish the "I had a hamburger today and so tomorrow I will starve myself" bullshit. How about, "Damn, that burger was good and I am excited for what tomorrow brings, whether it be more burgers, grad school acceptance letters, or a menage a trios with Zac Efron and Zac Efron. Bring it, future me!"
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